Communication is the cornerstone of our relational capacity.
The degree to which we can effectively and accurately communicate is also a direct measure of our potential for authenticity.
Authenticity is a practice of openness, and of awareness. It is the means by which we bring manifestation to some of the greatest functions of consciousness: creativity, learning, growth - the shaping of ourselves and the world in which we inhabit. Creativity is a core aspect of consciousness - we participate in creation and co-creation regularily, whether consciously or unconsciously. Authenticity is one of the most important tools in fulfilling our greatest potential as conscious, aware, beings - as creators.
From Merriam-Webster: "authentic" means something is genuine, real, or true. Trust-worthy. Thus, in greater consideration, our relationship with authenticity is a measure of our ability to be in touch with what is real and true - with reality.
Krishnamurti says: "to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence." It could be argued, that to witness without overlaying our own subjective association, is also the highest form of connection. To witness something as it is, to truly see, hear and value, necessitates a stepping out of the cognitive overlays of our evaluative scripts. Fortunately experience is constantly directing us towards this awareness through experiential feedback. This feedback operates best, when we approach from a foundation of authenticity.
Without authenticity, connection becomes a false mirage - an illusion with no real substance, a trick we play upon ourselves that brings no sustenance or nourishment. Connection without authenticity cannot meet our needs.
Connection itself is a fundamental human need. Brene Brown "define[s] connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."
How can we be truly seen, heard, and valued, if we are unable to express our authentic essence? How can we give and recieve without judgement when we fail to meet our experiences authentically? How can we create and sustain connection, and effectively "derive sustenance and strength from the relationship" without authenticity? Our ability to effectively express and communicate, to be authentic, becomes the keystone of our relational capacities.
In the cases where we show up as anything other than our true selves, by natural function we prohibit authentic connection: when we people please; when we suppress and fail to express our feelings and needs; when we manipulate, often unconsciously, as in co-dependent dynamics. When we deny expression of the truth of our experience, and show up in relation inauthentically, we automatically nullify any feedback others may give us, through word or action. Whatever approval or validation, whatever constructive analysis, whatever love or acceptance they give us, is not a reflection of *us*, but merely of the mask we wear. Whatever they give us, stops at the mask and can never touch our essence or core self. There is no authentic connection, but instead, an illusory connection. This false connection wears at us. It creates a mould that requires us to contort ourselves into unnatural shapes to fit. It becomes an exhausting act to maintain, precisely because it never feeds us. False connections keep us small, they keep us from stretching into all the parts of ourselves, they keep us from growth. Being out of touch with our needs, the false connection cannot meet them.
If needs are the life-seeking force within us, as Marshall Rosenburg states, then the inability to communicate and express our needs, the inability to be authentic, becomes a self-destructive act, something that actively keeps us from moving toward life. It not only prevents us from connecting with others, but simultaneously becomes a disconnection from the Self. It creates an inertia of inauthenticity, of falsehood; the more we contort to false connection, the more we disconnect from ourselves; the more we disconnect from ourselves, the more we show up inauthentically in our connections, thus the more inauthentic feedback we receive, which further requires us to contort, further away from ourselves, and so we find ourselves in a recursive loop of disconnection.
Put simply, false connection is not only a lack of real connection with another, but also a disconnection from the self, and is a process which amplifies itself.
So, what creates false connections? Where do they begin?
At their core, false connections always stem from a more urgent unmet need. It may be a need for safety - emotional, physical, psychological or otherwise. A need for validation, support or acceptance. A need for comfort or pleasure. A need for peace, with a strategy of avoiding conflict.
At times we may be aware of this pressing non-negotiable need, however more often we are not. The need may become a blindspot, where we act out unconscious conditioning in reactionary behaviour.
We may find ourselves in a situation or connection where we feel that some greater need of ours is at risk if we authentically express ourselves. Perhaps it is safety, or some other foundational need that cannot be foregone, like physical security, or even a particular need of ours that we uniquely value, like freedom, or certainty, or power, or autonomy.
Other times, false connections start with us. Shame or unnatural thinking, like judgement or criticism, disconnect us from ourselves and we cannot arrive authentically. In these instances we create the mould and then cut off the parts of ourselves that do not fit. In the self-denial of our authenticity, in the disconnection with ourselves, our thoughts, feelings and needs, we create the false connection.
Ultimately, regardless of where a false connection may begin, we are always responsible for remaining in them. We chose how we respond to relational experiences, either consciously or unconsciously. As adults, very rarely are we completely unable to remove ourselves from connections that are unsafe or unhealthy for us, if not in the moment then over a greater span of time. Thus, when we find ourselves in an on-going false connection, there is some element of us that is actively participating. We are choosing to respond to the demands of the false connection, to arrive inauthentically.
It is our work to unearth why this is so. What unmet need or limiting belief is driving us to respond to a given experience by disconnecting from the expression of our authentic selves? Is it fear, and if so, what space or capacity do we have to maneuver to, or create, an environment of greater safety?
Again, when we show up as anything other than our true selves, by natural function we prohibit authentic connection. As social mammals, the need for geniune connection is generally hardwired within us. And so, the question arises: what defines our "true selves" and how can we seek to cultivate this part of us?
This is a slippery amorphous inquiry, for in reality our authentic "true" self is not a fixed or static aspect. Our clearest perceptions are limited to this particular moment in which we inhabit, the present. As Dilgo Khyentese Rinpoche says: "The past is only an unreliable memory held in the present. The future is only a projection of our present conceptions."
That is to say, our sense of self beyond what is alive in us in this moment is a cognitive construct and therefore likely to be a limited or biased model of perception.
Cultivating our truest self then, becomes a practice of returning to awareness of our experience in the present. What do our sensations, feelings and thoughts tell us about the experience we are in, and what set of associations and inner scripts are activated? How do the inner narratives transform into reaction and response to outer stimuli? And what is the ensuing feedback from the people and environment surrounding us. Thus, our true self, our ability to meet our experiences authentically, is not a fixed reference point as much as a process of awareness and attunement.
Within this process of attunement and returning to our essence, relationality is a larger feedback loop - another source which can help inform us of where we are in or out of alignment with ourselves.
Hiedi Priebe describes this process when she talks about the function of intimacy within our attachment relationships as a mirror. She says that there are parts of ourselves that we necessarily cannot see, and that bonded relationships provide a reflective function that can highlight these unconscious aspects of self. She references "the gap", as the space between who we would like to be, our intentions, and who we actually are, how we show up in the world and for others. Brene Brown also talks about "the gap", as " the space between where we're actually standing and where we want to be."
Without mindfulness and trustworthy feedback, we may find ourselves falling into the gap, not making the leep between intention and action because we either underestimate its size or simply cannot percieve that there is a gap at all. Such is conditioning, that it oft operates on an unconscious level beyond our direct awareness. And it may be that our conditioning is at odds with our values and objectives. The mirror that others provide, in how they experience us, can be a path to awareness of the unconscious programs which keep our actions and intentions out of alignment.
It is the nature of the complex human psyche, that we have identity narratives around who we are, our ego ID, who we would like to be. At times, shame, pain, fear, or other difficult affects prevent us from seeing clearly when our behaviour and actions are not in alignment with our egoic scripts, our sense of self, our greater intentions. It can be incredibly painful to sit in awareness of the ways we may be falling short of being other than who we consider ourselves to be. And if these scripts are particularly constricting and shame bound, we may not be able to create space for that awareness at all.
These inner blockages become obstacles to our ability to be authentic with ourselves and with others. In this, relationality can be a powerful and important tool in building awareness and authenticity. Provided there is respect and trust in a relationship, our relationships can help us to see beyond our own internal barriers. People can lend each other awareness, allowing vision beyond inner blockages.
And so, we begin to see the inseperable nature between authenticity and connection, and the way in which, when present, these two reinforce each other. Connection can bring awareness that lifts us beyond our own limitations. And authenticity is the key which opens us to the resources of connection. This is a dynamic unfolding not only without, in our relational experiences with other sentient beings as well as our environment; but also inwardly, in our relationship with ourselves and our internal world. The dance between connection and authenticity is the essence of relationality itself. It is the primal feedback loop of consciousness.
Communication becomes the means by which this natural feedback mechanism of consciousness, manifests itself. Communication is two-fold: it is both expression and listening. It is both to give authentically, as well as, to recieve openly. This form of transcendental communication hinges upon vulnerability. It requires a level exposure that comes with inherent risk. To participate in vulnerable communication is to be open to impact, to being shaped and changed by the experience. It may imprint upon us in ways that we dont anticipate, it can often bring discomfort, and it most certainly will challenge our sense of control.
