Communicating our experiences, the subjective, with others is the cornerstone of our relational capacity.
The degree to which we can effectively and accurately communicate is a direct measure of our potential for authenticity. From Merriam-Webster: "authentic" means something is genuine, real, or true. Trust-worthy. Thus, in greater consideration, our relationship with authenticity is a measure of our ability to be in touch with what is real, with reality.
Without authenticity, connection becomes a false mirage - an illusion with no real substance, a trick we play upon ourselves that brings no sustenance or nourishment. Connection without authenticity cannot meet our needs. Real connection, a fundamental human need, is in large part to be seen, heard and valued. Brene Brown "define[s] connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."
How can we be truly seen, heard, and valued, if we are unable to express our authentic essence? How can we give and recieve without judgement when we are firstly judging ourselves, as is undoubtly the case when we fail to meet our experiences authentically. Therefore, how can we create and sustain connection, and effectively "derive sustenance and strength from the relationship" without authenticity? This is the means by which our ability to effectively express and communicate (to be authentic) becomes the keystone of our relational capacities.
In the cases where we show up as anything other than our true selves, by natural function we prohibit authentic connection: when we people please; when we suppress and fail to express our feelings and needs; when we manipulate, often unconsciously, as in co-dependent dynamics. When we deny expression of the truth of our experience, and show up in relation inauthentically, we automatically nullify any feedback others may give us, through word or action. Whatever approval or validation, whatever love or acceptance they give us, is not a reflection of *us*, but merely of the mask we wear. Whatever they give us, stops at the mask and can never touch our essence or core self. There is no authentic connection, but instead, an illusory connection. This false connection wears at us. It creates a mould that requires us to contort ourselves into unnatural shapes to fit. It becomes an exhausting act to maintain, precisely because it never feeds us. False connections keep us small, they keep us from stretching into all the parts of ourselves, they keep us from growth. Being out of touch with our needs, the false connection cannot meet them.
If needs are the life-seeking force within us, as Marshall Rosenburg states, then the inability to communicate and express our needs, the inability to be authentic, becomes a self-destructive act, something that actively keeps us from moving toward life. It not only prevents us from connecting with others, but simultaneously becomes a disconnection from the Self. It creates an inertia of inauthenticity, of falsehood; the more we contort to false connection, the more we disconnect from ourselves; the more we disconnect from ourselves, the more we show up inauthentically in our connections, thus the more inauthentic feedback we receive, which further requires us to contort, further away from ourselves, and so we find ourselves in a recursive loop of disconnection.
Put simply, false connection is not only a lack of real connection with another, but also a disconnection from the self, and is a process which amplifies itself.
So, what creates false connections? Where do they begin?
At their core, false connections always stem from a greater unmet need. It may be a need for safety - emotional, physical, psychological or otherwise. A need for validation, support or acceptance. A need for comfort or pleasure. A need for peace, with a strategy of avoiding conflict. At times we may be aware of the greater unmet need, however more often we are not.
Sometimes false connections start with us. Shame or unnatural thinking, like judgement or criticism, disconnect us from ourselves and we cannot arrive authentically. In these instances we create the mould and then cut off the parts of ourselves that do not fit. In the self-denial of our authenticity, in the disconnection with ourselves, our thoughts, feelings and needs, we create the false connection.
Other times, we may find ourselves in a situation or connection where we feel that some greater need of ours is at risk if we authentically express ourselves. Perhaps it is safety, or some other foundational need that cannot be foregone, like physical security, or even a particular need of ours that we uniquely value, like freedom, or certainty, or power, or autonomy.
Ultimately, regardless of where a false connection may begin, we are always responsible for remaining in them. We chose how we respond to relational experiences, either consciously or unconsciously. As adults, very rarely are we completely unable to remove ourselves from connections that are unsafe or unhealthy for us, if not in the moment then over a greater span of time. Thus, when we find ourselves in an on-going false connection, there is some element of us that is actively participating. We are choosing to respond to the demands of the false connection, to arrive inauthentically.
It is our work to unearth why this is so. What unmet need or limiting belief is driving us to respond to a given experience by disconnecting from the expression of our authentic selves? Is it fear, and if so, what space or capacity do we have to maneuver to, or create, an environment of greater safety?
Again, when we show up as anything other than our true selves, by natural function we prohibit authentic connection. As social mammals, the need for geniune connection is generally hardwired within us. And so, the question arises: what defines our "true selves" and how can we seek to cultivate this part of us?
This is a slippery amorphous inquiry, for in reality our authentic "true" self is not a fixed or static aspect. Our clearest perceptions are limited to this particular moment in which we inhabit, the present. As Dilgo Khyentese Rinpoche says: "The past is only an unreliable memory held in the present. The future is only a projection of our present conceptions."
That is to say, our sense of self beyond what is alive in us in this moment is a cognitive construct and therefore likely a limited or biased model of perception.
Cultivating our truest self, then becomes a practice of returning to awareness of our experience in the present. What do our sensations, feelings and thoughts tell us about the experience we are in, and what set of associations and inner scripts are activated? How do the inner narratives transform into reaction and response to outer stimuli? And what is the ensuing feedback from the people and environment surrounding us. Thus, our true self, our ability to meet our experiences authentically, is not a fixed reference point as much as a process of awareness and attunement.
